It was the most beautiful love I’ve ever received.
Until he decided to leave me. Saying that what we have is not real. That he didn’t love me the same way as he did five years ago. That the love he has for me was not enough to make him stay. That I was not enough to make him stay.
What went wrong? Where did I go wrong? What have I done wrong?
Questions bothered me every day. I yearn for answers. I looked for answers everywhere. Asked my friends for any clues that might’ve justify and make things clear. I reviewed and revisited everything we have done. All conversations, text messages, chat, date. Every memory. Everything! But I couldn’t find the answer.
We were so happy. We were so in love. We planned to do so many things and most of them are already done. Damn it, we’re already planning for our wedding day. We already have the guest list, the venue, the church. Everything’s already planned out. We’re just waiting for the day to come.
He and I met in the most unconventional way. We didn’t meet because our friends conspired together and set us up on a blind date. Nor he didn’t see me alone in a coffee shop and worked his courage up to talk to me. We met through an online community of people with the same views and opinions on several topics. One heated argument over a certain topic made way to a conversation that was both amusing and brain-draining. One topic lead to too many more topics that we discussed, be it in a public thread or in a private conversation. After several months of talking online, he finally asked for my number and eventually had the courage to ask me out. I was afraid. Yeah, he’s, virtually, nice. We just talked online and nice as he seems to be, I still don’t know him behind the façade the internet is giving us. So I’m skeptical of all the things he shared with me. And even if he assured me that he’s nice (well, everyone would say that, right?) and that for me to be calm and feel safe, he would come to my office, introduce his self to my friends and fetch me there. After several nights of mulling over this, I finally decided to get it a go. After all, he laid down all his cards; he even agreed that I gave his identification and all details to all of my friends (who, by the way, were more excited than I was. Because, as they said, I finally accepted that I am a girl and I need to get laid. My friends just sold me here, I know.) So the day arrived. My friends are more antsy and excited than I am (okay, I’m also excited. A little) But he didn’t appear. He didn’t come to the supposed time that we agreed. I hid my disappointment and frustration from my friends but seeing them all getting angry for me lessens the pain. Many things run in my mind that time. I was telling myself that I shouldn’t get my hopes so high. After all, who am I? I was just some random girl he got to talk online, shared some things that might not even true, that he called from time to time out of boredom. I’m not someone important. And here I am seeing all those things in rose-tinted glasses. I never really learn a lesson. I’m still not used to people making me a past time. Oh well.
I was so worked up from all of my emotions that I didn’t notice my friends were all squealing in delight. I didn’t hear the band playing. And I didn’t notice him walking over to my desk with flowers in hand and singing his heart out. By the time I felt like everyone was being unusually quiet (our boss was not even shouting), I finally looked up and was so shocked to see him in front of me. I thought I was just imagining things. So I reached out to him and pinched him so hard he cried out of pain. And then I laughed. I laughed so hard that everyone was afraid I finally lose my mind. I laughed because I was relieved and felt ridiculous for thinking all about those things. After what feels like an eternity of laughter, I finally asked him what he was doing there. I was an idiot, I know. So he fell down on his knees and practically begged me to forgive him for being late. He then proceeded to an anecdote of traffics and getting permission from our building administration to let him and his band take all their instruments to our office. But none of that matter anymore. I was just so relieved that I forgot all my disappointments and frustrations and told him it was all okay. After all, he made an effort to do all of that. (My friends all forgave him much faster than I did.) And by miracles, my boss even let me take the day off.
That first date was followed by so many dates after. Trips to a new restaurant to try out and judge the food became trips to new places to experience the culture. Days turned to weeks to months and before we know it, we’re already in our first year. We celebrated it on top of the highest mountain in the Philippines. We’re so high above of our love and happiness that being high above the sky is just fitting for a first-year celebration. One year became five years and even after all those years; our love for each other didn’t lose. We always find a way to make new things and try new things. We never fail to surprise each other. We always learn new things from each other and we didn’t fell to that monotonous way that some couple experienced. I was so sure that we will end up with each other and we always talk about what we would do when we grow old. We always imagine how it is to look after our grandchildren playing. We had everything planned out. And so, on our fifth year anniversary, he finally proposed to me. We began planning our wedding day right away, and we already announced to the delight of everyone.
But I guess plans never really to work as it is. Just two months before our wedding day, he decided to break up with me. He says he wanted to find himself again. He says he lost his sense of self when we started the relationship. He says he loves me, but it is not the same love that I have for him. That he’ll just fool himself and in the process, fool me because he will pretend that he loves me. And then he was gone.
And I was left with a broken heart and broken plans. I feel so lost that I don’t know what to do on the following days. I canceled everything, the wedding and all reservations that comes with it.
Trying to fill the void, I began traveling again to places that I’ve never been and that we didn’t get to visit. I re-acquainted myself with going out alone and be fine with it. I watched movies, dine out, visit museums and do everything on my own. My friends would go out with me from time to time but of course, I cannot drag them to anywhere and anything that I want to do.
It was the most beautiful love I ever received. But it was the one that hurts the most.